Lost and Found
by floss bucket
Summary: The Year that Never Was left scars on Jack that will never fade. As he rejoins his team, he remembers what the Master did to them. WARNING: graphic torture scenes.


**Spoliers: Doctor Who Season 3, All of Torchwood  
Warnings: Graphic torture scenes (be warned)  
Summary: The Year that Never Was left scars on Jack that will never fade. As he rejoins his team, he remembers what the Master did to them. **

Gwen.

_She's a fighter, she always has been, and he loves her for it, but now Jack wishes she wasn't. Her mouth is held open with a metal gag, and the Master has her head pushed back as far as it will go. In one hand he holds a knife, glinting in the dull light. She struggles as he lowers it to her mouth, screaming as loud as she can, eyes pleading for mercy. Jack can't tear his eyes away, no matter how much it horrifies him._

"_She's been giving me a lot of trouble, this one. Inciting rebellion on Earth and spreading lies. It will be so much easier once she is silenced," says the Master, in an almost gleeful tone._

_The Master lowers the knife, and Jack turns his head at the last minute. He knows he has a duty to be strong for Gwen, but this is too much. As he turns back, he sees the Master standing straight again, Gwen on the floor with a mouthful of blood, and her tongue lying next to her._

_The Master rips the gag out of Gwen's mouth, wounding her even more. She moans slightly, the only sound she has left. As he leaves, the Master casually throws a gun on the floor between Jack and Gwen._

"_One bullet, Jackie boy, your choice," he says. The two guards by the door step forward to release his chains, and he falls on the ground next to Gwen._

Jack knew the team wasn't happy with him. He should have followed protocol and retconned both her and Rhys, but he couldn't lose her. Not again. That year had changed the way he saw her, and how much he let her get away with. The team thought it wasn't fair, he could see it in their faces. They thought it was only Gwen who got the special treatment, because he would have retconned Owen for opening the rift, but it wasn't Gwen, not at all, it was him. He was the one who had changed since then.

He'd heard people say that you only realise how much you love something, once you've lost it. How true that was. He supposed he was one of the lucky ones, he had the chance to get Gwen back and protect her even more than he used to. He had cared about her before, of course, but it was love that he realised he really felt. Not romantic love (although he couldn't deny he hadn't been attracted to her at first), but the sort of love he would feel for a best friend. A sister.

He still had nightmares about that year, about Gwen being tortured and killed, about losing her, and he knew that he couldn't lose her again, even if it was just to another man and the rest of the world. He needed to keep her near him, because no-one else understood as much as he did how important it was to keep her safe, and no-one else could be trusted to do that.

He wouldn't fail, not this time.

_BANG._

_The video screen placed in front of him for the next two days gives him nightmares for months._

Toshiko.

_She is tied to a chair, legs, waist, chest and neck bound by thick chains. Her hands are secured to the table in front of her, a large cleaver buried in the wood about an inch from her left pinkie. Her eyes are panicked and she is far skinnier than is healthy. There is a large bruise above her right eye, and she reminds Jack too much of when he rescued her from the UNIT cell, or from the cannibals. _

_The Master stalks in front of her, but facing Jack and addressing the immortal. _

"_You trained this one well, Jack, too well I think. She almost hacked Arc Angel and the Toclafane communication system. And we can't have that can we?" says the Master, picking up the cleaver and tossing it in the air, expertly catching it every time. "I think I might have do something about it, don't you?"_

_He turns and slams the cleaver into the table, straight through three fingers. She screams, then sobs as she looks at the detached digits. The Master cuts again until there are eight fingers and two thumbs lying on the desk, and two bloody stumps that are now all Tosh has for hands. She screams and sobs and cries in despair and pain. Jack looks on with tears running down his cheeks, a gag in his mouth to stop him from comforting her._

_The Master places a gun on the table._

"_You know the drill, Jack," he says, and then leaves._

He has watched Tosh's hands since he came back, how her quick fingers dance over the keyboard or carefully adjust a wire in some delicate piece of technology. He's gave her little gifts every now and then. Nail polish, a manicure set, hand cream, even a pair of peep toe shoes to show off her feet. He had to make she still had every finger and toe in place, that takes care of them like she should.

He made her feel important, let her date Tommy and take the lead on a few missions. He couldn't forget how helpless she looked with no fingers, as though she thought that without them she wasn't worth anything. He had talked to Owen, encouraging him to love Toshiko and cherish her like she deserved.

He ran a fine line between protecting her and making her more confident, but the one thing he knew was that he would never let her be that helpless and hurt again.

When she died, it almost destroyed him. When he saw the video she left, he realised maybe he might have helped her.

It wasn't enough.

_BANG._

_The next day 10 fingers and 10 toes are delivered to him._

Owen.

_When Jack firsts sees him, it's a relief. He isn't hurt, and his mind is intact. He is sarcastic and rude, just like he should be. The Master has a bed set up for him in Jack's 'room'. There is a small table next to it, stacked high with books and magazines. Owen's favourites, Jack remembers._

_They talk, about all sorts of things. Where Jack went, the Himalayas, their missions together, even the Hub and Cardiff. Every day Owen gets a full meal and a glass of water, and a guard is there to make sure Jack doesn't get any. It's not unusual for him, really. He gets a glass of water and a bowl of mashed Swede when the Master is feeling generous; otherwise it's nothing for weeks on end._

_At first Jack envies Owen, but soon he realises the Master's true plan. It is subtle and clever, just like the Time Lord. So clever in fact, that Jack barely notices until it's too late._

_It's small signs at first, Owen not remembering a mission they'd been on, or where the Autopsy bay was in the Hub. Then he starts to forget people; Ianto, Gwen, Tosh, Diane, Katie. He even forgets Jack, still talking to this stranger because he's the only one there._

_The day he forgets his own name is a horrible one. He wakes up one morning and starts talking. Not in English, not in any recognisable language. _

_The next stage of the drug, because that's what it must be, is even worse. Owen only moans and screams, violently jerking every time the drug attacks again._

_One day, Jack is released from his chains and a gun appears in the room._

The first time Jack heard Owen call Ianto teaboy after he got back, he laughed, a full deep bellied laugh, and then he smiled for the rest of the day. Ianto wasn't happy, but Jack was just relieved that Owen is normal. Well, normal for Owen.

He talked to Owen more as well, whether it was drinks, a talk in Jack's office, or even just a short chat in the Autopsy bay. He knew Owen thought he was just trying to make up for leaving, and that wasn't not entirely a lie, but Jack had to keep checking that Owen hasn't gone mad again.

When Owen died for the first time, Jack knew he couldn't lose him, not yet. Owen had died already, and although he couldn't stop that, he can stop this. He had to lie when Owen asked him why, because even though he could never forget about what happened, he couldn't think about it either.

When Owen died for the second time, Jack thinks maybe it was inevitable. Owen was always meant to die, and Jack had stood in the way. He had failed to give mercy, and then he hadn't let Owen die in peace. He died over ten times that night, trying to repent his failures.

It wasn't enough.

_BANG_

_It goes on for three more weeks._

Ianto.

_Ianto is the last, the worst. Jack thinks the Master must know how important Ianto is, something even Ianto himself doesn't know. The Master cuts out Ianto's eyes, leaving empty sockets there, and then removes his ears one by one. The body parts are left lying where they fell, and then the wounds are cauterised. _

_Every day someone comes in to hurt Ianto, whipping him, burning him, raping him. Ianto screams and cries and yells for Jack. Jack talks to Ianto, trying to comfort him, but Ianto can't hear him. It doesn't make him stop, but Ianto continues to beg for Jack to come and help him. It sends tears streaming down Jack's face, to see his lover so broken like this. He wants to hold him in his arms and comfort him, but the chains holding him up are too strong, just like they have been for ten months now._

_Jack knows the gun is coming, he has worked out the routine by now. He was too weak to shoot before, but he can't be selfish any longer. This time the Master releases Jack personally and places the gun in his hand. He almost seems kind, merciful, but Jack knows the Master must have some greater plan in place. He has to._

_Jack kneels down next to Ianto's slumped form; he has been beaten with a baseball bat today, and holds him close in his arms. Jack knows that he smells bad, but he hopes that behind that, Ianto can tell it's him._

"_Jack?" whispers Ianto, his voice hoarse from screaming. Jack has tears running down his cheeks when he kisses Ianto's head in confirmation._

_Then he clicks the safety off the gun._

The first night Jack and Ianto spent together after he came back from that year, Jack held Ianto for as long as he could, kissing his eyes and his ears and every inch of his body. Ianto was a little confused, but he doesn't complain.

The next night, Jack began with the eyes and ears, but moved on to every wound Ianto received during that year.

The night after, he kissed every wound Ianto had received before that.

Every time Ianto was injured, he repeated the entire process, until he could be sure Ianto was alive and whole.

The day Ianto died was the second worst day of Jack's life. The next day he finished his job, and then he went travelling. He couldn't stay, not even for Gwen. Losing Ianto the first time had ripped a hole in Jack's heart. Losing him the second time had destroyed everything that Jack was. All he had was the memories of Ianto's deaths, and the love he had promised never to forget.

_BANG_

_He never forgets._


End file.
